Saturn return
Saturn conjunction Ascendant: Following through
Beginning of November 2011 until mid August 2012: This is one of the most significant times of your life. During this time your responsibilities will increase considerably, and you will try to eliminate everything in your life that is not necessary to fulfilling them. Therefore your life will become more complex and simpler at the same time. You are finishing up certain tasks in your life and going into a five- to eight-year period of relatively quiet preparation for a new beginning. You will be cutting some elements out of your life and working hard to complete others.
During this time you may have less freedom of movement than usual because of the pressure of circumstances and the need to get things done. Old tasks that have never been completed must be finished now. At work, you may have to exert more effort in order to get the job done. Your superiors may give you even more responsibility than you would choose to have. This may not be a very light-hearted time, but it should be quite productive. But do not start out on a completely new project, because in a few years you may find that you do not have the material or psychological resources to complete it. Finish what is unfinished and simplify your life.
Good relationships will not suffer appreciably during this time, but bad ones will break up completely. You are withdrawing from everything in your life that is unnecessary or in the way of your development during the next few years. Bad or difficult relationships may be among the elements that are discarded.
Try to avoid building a wall between yourself and others, for this is a great danger now. Duty, responsibility and obligations do not preclude personally satisfying relationships, even though you may feel that they do. If you cut yourself off from others unnecessarily, you will become lonely and depressed. The people who belong in your everyday life are very important for you now, especially since you are excluding those who do not belong. Often it is good to seek out the company and advice of older people, for they have the insight and understanding you need.

I have a really hard time being loved. I feel like there are expectations on me, that I can't even detect. I feel like it dooms me to be a failure because there is too much focus on me. On the other hand, I love love. I love attention, I love affection, I love connection. But there is a point at which the other person loves me too much.

Cliff has reached that point. I didn't make this connection before. But now he is at that level and I'm scared. I'm bracing myself. I'll try to live with it because above all I am committed to this relationship. I love *him* that much. I love to see what he's opening up to me these days. But when his words of undying devotion start flowing, when he puts me on a pedestal and says he loves everything about me, especially my floppy post-baby belly, my instinct is to push away. But I fight the instinct when I'm with him and lean in to him instead.

But now I'm feeling depressed. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to exercise or eat right or do the laundry or take the kids anywhere. In a big effort to prove that I am really not that amazing. Just don't expect anything from me, ok?

I suppose it comes from never having a childhood example of unconditional love. Love, in my childish emotional core, comes with a whole host of conditions that I will never measure up to. Intellectually, I know better. Spiritually, I know better. But the little girl in me wants to run away.

Astrology for love and sex -- Uncanny
Effing around on

Venus in Scorpio
the sexual nature can be quite complex. These lovers generally share a common intensity and depth in their sexual desires, but they vary in expression depending on their level of development. Some enjoy power and are attracted to breaking taboos. These lovers are willing to do almost anything, and they enjoy full-body pleasures. Others express their need for control by being unavailable and abstaining for long periods of time, giving in only when they feel their partner is deserving. Whatever their nature, they have a way that promises commitment and intensity in bed. They are provocative but private. Most will never kiss and tell. Sex is intimate and personal for Scorpio, but their fantasies are full-ranging.

Mars in Virgo
there is generally a healthy attitude towards sex. Sex to them is a bodily function, necessary for health and general well-being. Everyday stresses and tensions are released in sex, whether it's with others or with themselves. They are turned on by people who have largely gone unnoticed. Simple and sweet is the way they like their bed partners. They also get turned on by the idea that they are your slave. They love doing little things for you, and get worked up when they know you appreciate all the things they do. They can be a little insecure about their own bodies, and they make up for it by paying close attention to their methods of turning you on. They are very respectful of your likes and dislikes, and focus on the things that have had the most success. Virgo is the sign of the virgin, and this aspect gives others the idea that they are very selective. Don't be entirely fooled by this, however. They are not as picky as they appear. In fact, they love imperfections and have the best time with a partner who needs care. They'll make a project out of you, and you will likely never feel quite so attended to with anyone else. Their fantasies often feature the downtrodden and inexperienced. They are insatiably curious about sex, although many don't take their curiosity much beyond fantasy. Voyeurism is especially appealing to these lovers. We are giving Virgo a little more attention than other signs simply because we feel this sign has been misunderstood on the topic of sex. They are generally not as picky and particular as their reputation says—and they are not as "virginal" either. In fact, they want to please and to be savvy in the lovemaking arena. They'll generally "do" more than many other signs, and they're not afraid of getting dirty either, within the confines of a healthy relationship.

Eros in Sagittarius
These lovers have an enthusiastic and exuberant appeal. Sex is meant to be fun for Eros in Sagittarius, and some roughhousing and plenty of hearty laughs are turn-ons. Sexuality is sometimes viewed as if it were a sport by these people. They may surprise you with a very open and almost innocent attitude toward sex and intimacy. Sex is a bit of a game, and how this attitude is received will depend a lot on the audience! There can be a bit of an addiction to the chase, and avoidance of intimacy when it feels restricting in any way. Tenderness and romance are not the kinds of expressions that come as easily to these lovers. Laughter and fun are aphrodisiacs for this position of Eros. Sexual exploration and freedom are important, as well as a need for sexual honesty—sex without the frills and trappings that these lovers may find to be unnatural and even dishonest. Eros in Sagittarius can show up as passion for knowledge, hunger for new experiences, and a love of travel and exploring new lands and cultures.

Venus in Capricorn
sex that is straightforward and simple is generally best. The reputation for Capricorn lovers is an attraction to experienced, and sometimes older, partners. They often prefer strong, powerful lovers who display some sort of authority or know-how. These lovers prefer a certain measure of discretion. Capricorn is an earth sign, and this earthiness shows up in love-making style—it's generally no-frills that is most appealing to these lovers. They can be quite happy with consistency, as variety is less important to them than is security in sexual expression. However, their sexuality is deep and powerful. They are often quite private about what goes on in the bedroom. Although some will want others to know that they are on top of things in their sex life, they generally won't get into messy details.

Mars in Libra
extra care is taken to please the partner. These people can be provocative in a quiet way. Their need for balance and perfection in their relationships may manifest itself at all the wrong moments. In bed, these lovers want things to be balanced. They love working on getting things right, and are especially turned on by role-playing sex games. They have a strong need for change and growth in their sexual expression. They are givers in bed, but they fully expect you to give equally in return. Although they can be pushed around for a time, their lovers must be aware that the best way to keep Libra lovers happy is to keep everything fair. These lovers can be a little picky when it comes to mood and atmosphere while making love (Virgo is all too often assigned this trait, but our experience suggests that Libra is the pickiest of lovers). Make them happy, however, and you have a lover who is going to think about you and your needs. These lovers can charm the birds out of the trees when they want to.

Eros in Gemini
These lovers are sexually curious and interested. They like to be knowledgeable in sexual matters, and often are turned on by the written and spoken word. They may write letters to their lover, or enjoy writing and reading erotica. Because it is difficult for these lovers to turn their minds off during sex, there is a voyeur within the person during sexual expression, and it may be difficult for these lovers to simply "let go". Many Eros in Gemini individuals enjoy talking, and being talked to, during sex.

Moon Taurus (Laura) -Moon Sagittarius (Cliff)

You have very different, and often conflicting, emotional needs and yearnings. Sagittarius is expansive, craves adventure, and wants to be where the energy and action is. Sagittarius's curiosity and quest for growth, knowledge, or new experiences creates a strong urge for travel or changes in residence. Taurus, on the other hand, is very attached to the familiar, and prefers a steady routine, domestic peace and stability. Taurus is very slow and resistant to changes in home life or personal relationships, and may feel threatened by Sagittarius's restlessness.

Also, Sagittarius is an idealist with great hopes and plans for the future, while Taurus lives primarily in the present and is more involved with immediate, tangible concerns. Sagittarius may feel that Taurus doesn't understand or appreciate Sagittarius's dreams, and that Taurus stifles Sagittarius's enthusiasm with an insistence on realism and practicality.

Taurus may feel that Sagittarius lives in an unreal world, ignores the facts at hand, and leaves Taurus to take care of the work and business of day to day life.

However, you both have an essentially generous, live-and-let-live attitude which may enable you to overlook the differences between you.

We've been able to focus on each other, our connection, and why we are together.  We plan on being together forever, and that means being responsible and making time for us, both every day and a special time, a date, once or twice a month.  I'm looking forward to strengthening our bond.  He admitted to me that he didn't understand his changing feelings.  He was trying to fight it by just doing old things, but ultimately he feels protective of me and my brain surgery made his protectiveness multiply.  It wasn't all clear until a couple of talks together and little by little we are becoming more personally committed to being US.  Taking care of each other and making sure we are connected and on the same track with our relationship.  Our communication was really not happening at all.  I have felt he's always too busy to talk to me and didn't push the issue, and he didn't realize how important it was to communicate.  I can't wait to have our bed together, to ourselves.  I can't wait to go on fun dates and talk and find new exciting things about each other that we'd previously overlooked or didn't pay much attention to.  I complain a lot about Cliff sometimes, but he's my partner through and through.  We see each other.  We are alike in many ways and complimentary in others.  We can be difficult together, and incredibly sweet together.  <3

don't want to talk about it.
Cliff disappeared on me last night.  He sees an opportunity and takes it.  We looked stunning together, we showed up together, and then he was gone.  Drunk, found someone else, and I was left managing the kids.  Crying, clingy kids.  I knew where he was but I couldn't join him, couldn't join her either, because they were drunk and I wasn't and I'm a responsible fucking person.  I don't know how I'm going to recover from this.  Less trusting?  More bitter?  That's how I feel today.  Embarrassed.  Disregarded.  Disrespected.  Knocked down to chambermaid status once again.  I wanted to get to know her, too.  Now... I don't know.  I just want to be alone.  I'd rather be celibate than deal with this shit.


I feel like I should be getting something out, for all the thinking I do.  My thoughts are half formed, and not ready for words.  They are where I am, halfway between the practical and the spiritual, trying to pull them together.  It's clear how scattered I am by looking at my lists of things to do.  I have housework, paperwork, medical concerns, job concerns (web design AND sewing), and social life, at some point.  I  can't possibly finish it all in one day.  I cross off three things and add four.  Then I space out and wish for a retreat to read and meditate and center myself.  I recently started getting high once in a while.  It's relaxing, but there are certainly no answers there.  I think that will a be short lived activity.

Today's list:
Fold all the laundry (5 loads?)
Clean the bathroom
Wash dishes
Some kind of food prep for dinner
Find a dentist for the kids
Finish changes to R's website
Clean up sewing area, clean sewing machine
Try to remember to eat, and drink enough water
Crash into bed at a reasonable hour this time

what you give is exactly what you receive...

What's going on in my life and what is going on in my head seem to be at odds.

My kids are constantly chattering and sometimes it's at me and sometimes not.  They're leaping all over the place making me edgy because they hurt themselves all the time but I'm tired of telling them to stop so I just let them hurt themselves and muster up a "there there" and a kiss on the head or the arm or whatever.  It gets old fast.  

What's in my head is a desire to contribute to the big wide world in some way.  Creatively, compassionately, intelligently.  But I can't seem to get a moment's peace to even put it together.  I want poetry.  I want dancing.  I want beauty.  I get destruction, sore joints, and stress.  I need to find peace in the eye of this storm.

There is no shame in this

Last night I was feeling emotional.  Emotionally strong.  In need of connection with someone outside my house.  I have a few friends going through some tough mental work times and first tried to connect with them, one by one.  But that didn't work out.  So I texted Josh.  He told me he was going to The Woods, which is conveniently close to me.  I told him I'd meet him there.  I could feel it, it was time to face all the things we never talked about while the wounds were still fresh.  But here it is nearly 8 years later and we'd both been picking our wounds in secret.  So I met him there.  

Being a bar, the drinks started immediately.  But, being in my condition of not wanting to drink much, I topped out at 3 weak drinks and about 8 glasses of water.  Josh had several shots of whiskey.  He kept trying to get me to drink more, as if I'd be more interested in him if I drank more.  I told him that drinking wouldn't change anything but could possibly make me sick and I knew my limits.  We talked about recent life happenings, just updating each other on our lives, and then knew that if we wanted to go deeper we'd have to go somewhere else.  We walked to a bar down the street that is more low key and Josh had another drink while I drank more water.  I flirted with him quite a bit and he flirted right back and we decided to take a cab to his house.  

When we got to his house I had to assert myself over his roommate's dog, dodge the cat, and gush over the monitor lizards that were still living after all these years.  Before we went upstairs to Josh's room, he did a line of cocaine.  He offered me some.  I refused.  I knew that he did drugs now but it was so surreal having it right there in front of my face.  Actually I averted my eyes.  He's the one who convinced me above all to not experiment with drugs in our teen years.  And how irresponsible, to offer me something like this, in my state... post brain-surgery. 

Throughout the night we'd alluded to the idea of having sex.  My mind has been barraged with sensual nostalgia since my frontal lobe was messed with, so the idea of feeling his skin on mine again was appealling.  We got to his room and messed around a bit.  He kept trying to do these little dominating moves but I could tell he had me on a pedestal.  No amount of shoving on the bed or hair pulling would take me down from up high where he had placed me. He wanted to travel back in time.  He stared at me and touched me and told me I was beautiful, over and over again. When I felt his skin on mine, it wasn't the same.  It was this bloated mess of a man who was under too many influences.  I searched his eyes, watched them twitch. I felt his head, felt him sweat.  He couldn't perform, and did another line of cocaine.  I told him to just face it, it's not what he really wanted.  He wanted me to hold him.  

"I think about you every day, Josh," I told him.  "I've thought about doing just this, right here, so many times.  I wanted to know what feelings would come up.  But now that we're here..." 

"Don't say it," he interrupted.

"Now that we're here..."


"I realize that my idea of you, of what we were, is in the past."

"I don't want it to be past."

"It is, for me."

"I just want you to be happy," he told me, for the 23rd time that night.

"That's just it, I *am* happy.  I'm so happy.  I have a purpose, I have children, I have a partner I can lean on and tell anything to.  I have an amazing group of supportive friends.  So much has happened and it's all been good."

"I'm happy, too... for the most part," he said, unconvincingly.

I had all kinds of advice.  Stop drugging yourself, trust yourself, take risks with yourself, accept love.  I told him some of it.  But how much could get through at that point?  I still love him, but he's frankly not my responsibility.  I cringed when I typed that.  I want to save him from whatever this is.  I want to save myself of the guilt that comes with someone I hold in my heart being out there floundering.  He proclaimed himself still *in* love with me.  Unable to trust anyone else, after I left him.  It's not his fault I left him.  It's not even my fault, as it was a good decision for me.  Perhaps it was selfish, but it was growth.  

He does have some good things going for him.  He likes his job, makes enough money for his own life, has friends who adore him.  But, as he told me, he's not feeling it.  I think quitting drugs completely would be a good first step.  It's not really the thing to say to someone currently under the influence.  He doesn't appear to have a physical addiction, but more like a personal addiction.  He wants his mind or his body to act a certain way so he uses drugs to accomplish that, rather than using his mind.  My greatest tool in my journey has been mindfullness.  I only recently learned that was the term for what I was already doing.  Trusting yourself to use your own mind to get through the hard stuff in life is the greatest gift you can give yourself.  

So ultimately I'm left knowing even more that my decision to jump ship was a good one.  I took a risk and it was just what I needed.  I see now that I really do trust myself more than I did when I was with Josh.  I know myself, I trust myself, I love myself, and from that I'm able to extend that trust and love and desire to know others.  I don't want to sound like I've got it all figured out, because I certainly haven't.  But I'm proud of how far I've come.  And I'm proud of facing what has been dogging me for so long, this connection with Josh.  What can I do but remain here and open to talk?  Open to connect to him on the level he needs to be at to sort stuff out for himself.  I know what an amazing person he is.  I see his potential to touch the world. I have such faith in him that I don't know if he feels.

I'm sad.
I hate being on drugs.  I don't feel any good happening, just suck-ass side effects.  Other people who take prescriptions are all "woot!  it saved my life!  I can live again!!!" While I'm sitting here taking this crap that sucks the life out of me.  I'm tired, bloated, and cry a lot.  I'm switching to a diff med.  I'm not optimistic about it at all.  I'm a generally optimistic person.  I feel like I'm being crushed.  I'm a freaking science experiment, and no one's even observing.  Why don't they just inject me with formaldehyde?

do I really have to talk to my parents?
One thing I think would be a great chunk of info to bring to my neurologist is a medical record from my childhood outlining all the drugs I was made to take, and the duration of each.  I don't remember them all.  I would have to ask my dad.  I would have to bring up a touchy subject with my dad, the champion conflict avoider.  Sigh.  And it would involve my stepmother, because she was in charge of all that.

Thanks to a very good friend who was subjected to the horrors of reform school as a teen,  I stayed up way too late learning all about them.  I recalled that my stepmother was sent to a boarding school in Australia as a teen, and my curiosity was piqued.  So now I want to know the name of the place she went to.  All I could find about boarding schools in Australia in the 1960's was that they were full of orphans and illegitimate children, and they treated aboriginal children horribly.  Also a little bit about a model that was used that tended to make bullies out of most of the kids.  "Bully" is a term that is often applied to my stepmother.  I don't tend to call her that, but I don't disagree either.  

So... what does this mean for me?  I cut her off.  I have no reason to have a relationship with her... do I?  But my compassionate self is clawing at my chest from the inside.  My soul aches to reach out, as the one person who may listen to her story.  To carve out a haphazard heart in the ugliness that has spread and hardened into a thick shell over so many lives.  Am I strong enough to be the one who reaches out, with the risk of being shut down, manipulated, tricked into thinking there is love where there isn't?  I've been around and around that path and I don't want to travel it anymore.  But what if one last time, my own way, was the way to make this sick dread at the pit of my stomach go away?


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